Roller Coaster and Cake

T and I may be on TV tonight!

Media Day was nothing like Vacation.

A few months ago we attended Kings Dominion’s Media Day, an event that marked the opening of the new Intimidator 305 roller coaster (I got tickets through work). I’d initially thought it would be a little bit like the movie Vacation. I envisioned T and I romping through a deserted amusement park, every ride at our disposal. Sure, King’s Dominion had probably invited hundreds of reporters, but how many would actually show up? I figured there might be a handful of people, if that. It would be us, an entire park, no kids, no lines and rides all day. I wondered, should I bring a bathing suit for the lazy river? No, surely the water park wouldn’t be open just for us, that would be crazy.

It turned out that I’d misread the invitation. The entire park wasn’t open, only a single ride: the new coaster. Somehow that didn’t matter once we learned there was another treat in store for us. On top of the perfect weather, unlimited rides on the new coaster and free lunch, we learned that Baltimore’s most famous bakery, Charm City Cakes, made desert and their reality show, Ace of Cakes, was there filming an episode. We quickly worked ourselves into a frenzy anticipating the cake.

See, I’d seen the show and I had a theory. Yes, the cakes were interesting, even beautiful to look at, but rarely did they look delicious. Rather than fluffy waves of buttercream frosting, Charm City topped their cakes with something called fondant – colorful sheets of sugary stuff that is evidently good for sculpting. As a result, Charm City’s cakes always look more like elaborate Play-Doh structures than deserts.

Kings Dominion (sans screaming kids)

“There’s no way that stuff tastes good,” I’d said to the TV more than once. Finally I would have my answer.

We checked in and were ushered through the pristine, deserted park. On top of being clean, the park was remarkably quiet: no screaming, no rides humming, just some soft muzak being pumped in through hidden speakers. We caught sight of the red rails of the new coaster and there was no denying that its loops and drops were impressive.

Just as impressive was Charm City’s creation. 7 layers high, the cake had a moving toy roller coaster that zipped around and through it. It even had a steep vertical drop, just like the Intimidator. A camera crew adjusted the lighting on the cake as we scoped it out, licking our chops.

There was a brief press conference during which a string of officials made jokes about being afraid of roller coasters. Dale Earnhardt’s daughter, Taylor, made a statement saying the coaster was, “Fast…and intimidating, just like he was.” Surely she meant his racing (which inspired the new coaster), but I couldn’t help but think that “intimidating” was not how most people would want to be remembered by their kids.

Finally it was time for the coaster’s inaugural ride. VIPs (Virginia’s Lt. Governor, the cast of Ace of Cakes) had the first ride. The train shot out of the depot and returned in what seemed like a minute. T and I were on the ride’s fourth run.

I bet it wasn't even cake. Plastic, probably.

“Honey, we’re gonna need you to tuck that into your shirt,” a woman in a yellow t-shirt said to me, pointing to the press pass dangling from a lanyard around my neck. “Also, make sure you don’t hang on to the chest restraint.”

My fingers were already wrapped around it.

“Why?”

“That’s how you release it.”

I looked ahead to the nearly vertical track before us and back at the woman. My eyes darted to the exit and saw the Cakes cast being ushered back on to the ride (cutting in front of the hundred or so people who hadn’t yet gotten to ride). I stuffed the press pass down the front of my t-shirt then rocked back and forth to make sure I was secure.

The coaster was awesome. After the vertical 305 foot drop, the track wraps around into another steep climb, followed by another drop. The extreme changes in altitude made my eyes cloud over with patches of black (apparently this is called a “grey-out”). The ride was quick and intense and when it jerked to a stop we were faced with TV cameras, lights and a fuzzy boom mike. I was squinty-eyed from the grey-out, had a gigantic plastic press pass legible beneath my shirt, and my ponytail had deteriorated into a drooping, frizzy mess. As the Baltimore mini-celebs filed out in front of us, I steadied myself on a railing. Did I mention this was the one moment T and I were in clear view of the camera?

Even scarier in person.

“It’ll all be worth it when I eat that cake,” I thought.

On the way to lunch we checked on the cake and found they were still lighting it. We then ate our barbecue chicken at a table with some reporters from Channel 9 and tried to talk shop.

“What outfit are you from,” one asked.

I told them the name of the station where I work, hoping they didn’t ask what I do(which is definitely not reporting).

“Good station,” he said, politely.

About 45 minutes later people were finishing their lunches and starting to leave. The cake still hadn’t been cut. A white sheet cake was being served, but I was holding out for the coaster cake. A server shrugged when I asked when it would be served.

We watched as camera men filmed the cake from every possible angle. One guy attached his iPhone to the toy coaster to film from its perspective. It fell off. Everybody laughed.

“When the hell are they gonna cut that cake?” I whispered to T.

We got another round of free soda and waited.

Another half an hour passed and I approached the producers, but I couldn’t seem to get anyone’s attention. They seemed busy, so I tried the people serving the sheet cake again.

“Do you know when they are going to cut that one?”

“Eventually,” the woman said.

“Do you know what kind of cake it is?”

“From what I hear its a carrot cake”.

The Ace of Cakes crew, effing with the cake

Carrot cake. Mmm. I sighed and sat back down.

Another 45 minutes later the camera men were still effing around. Somebody started messing with the lights again. The cast was no where to be found.

“This is just bad hosting.” I started, winding up for a good speech. “Who throws a party, dangles a delicious desert in front of everybody, then refuses to serve it? Rude. This is just rude.”

“Come on,” T said.

“Where are you going?”

He led me up to the hip-looking producers and camera men. A woman with a short ponytail stood off to the side holding a clipboard. T approached her.

“Excuse me, do you know if we’re going to get to eat this cake?”

“Somebody is going to eat it” she said without turning around.

It was 3:30. The event ended at 4. Besides a couple of cheerleaders and some men in shirtsleeves, we were the last people left.

“Fuck it,” I said.

We took a couple more free cokes and rolled out.

The show airs tonight at 10 pm on the Food Network.